Office Policy (A Forwarded Email)

Awe­some lol =)

New Office Pol­icy Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed accord­ing to your salary.
2) If we see you wear­ing Prada shoes and car­ry­ing a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well finan­cially and there­fore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to man­age your money bet­ter, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and there­fore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and there­fore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s note state­ment as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doc­tor, you are able to come to work.

Per­sonal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 Per­sonal days a year. They are called Sat­ur­days & Sundays.

Bereave­ment Leave:

This is no excuse for miss­ing work. There is noth­ing you can do for dead friends, rel­a­tives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrange­ments in your place. In rare cases where employee involve­ment is nec­es­sary, the funeral should be sched­uled in the late after­noon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and sub­se­quently leave one hour early.

Bath­room Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toi­let. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toi­let paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a pic­ture will be taken. After your sec­ond offense, your pic­ture will be posted on the com­pany bul­letin board under the ‘Chronic Offend­ers’ cat­e­gory. Any­one caught smil­ing in the pic­ture will be sec­tioned under the company’s men­tal health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny Peo­ple get 30 min­utes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Nor­mal Size Peo­ple get 15 min­utes for lunch to get a bal­anced meal to main­tain their aver­age figure.
* Chubby Peo­ple get 5 min­utes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loy­alty to our com­pany. We are here to pro­vide a pos­i­tive employ­ment expe­ri­ence. There­fore, all ques­tions, com­ments, con­cerns, com­plaints, frus­tra­tions, irri­ta­tions, aggra­va­tions, insin­u­a­tions, alle­ga­tions, accu­sa­tions, con­tem­pla­tions, con­ster­na­tion and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Man­age­ment

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